Centuries ago, if you had been a village maiden, the local matchmaker would have found you a husband — maybe the butcher or the carpenter. Chances are his temperament and yours wouldn’t match, but you’d be expected to cope with your incompatibilities. You’d be expected to grow closer — or not — with the passage of time. You’re not into that kind of long-term character contouring. You crave a ready match and you’re working from a compatibility list (loves dogs, plays chess, financially independent). Now, how willing are you to modify or even disregard that list?

I am not talking about stuff like “always puts down the toilet seat or admires my off-key singing. The lists I oppose are dead-serious inventories: things you insist on and things you won't stand for. Lists don’t facilitate the love quest; they imperil it. Right now, all over America, love-seekers are huddled over their Starbucks lattes, wondering how to extricate themselves from time-wasting chats with new acquaintances who dont pass the test. This woman looked totally hot on line, I imagine one man thinking, but 10 pounds over my weight limit is 10 pounds too many. Women's brains, too, are sifting silently through lists. Metallica fan: Check. No kids at home: Check. Likes to ski: No. Ivy League: No.

How will anyone who is ruled by a list ever find a satisfactory partner? Recently a friend ended an intensely-committed-forever relationship, his fourth this year. When I expressed my sympathies he actually responded, “I should have known not to get involved with her when I saw how far I’d strayed from my list.” Technically speaking, none of us is list-less. A woman who had an unfaithful husband is hoping for a man who’s inclined to fidelity. The man whose wife squandered the family fortune wants fiscal prudence next time. Widows and widowers often look for people who embody the best traits of their lost spouses.

The most realistic lists are unconscious, residing in the depths of memory, and what draws one person to another is ultimately unquantifiable, even mysterious. We can wish for a partner who is gorgeous, agile, and well-heeled, but life rarely delivers up the ideal. How is it not stupendous to find someone who combines average good looks, modest financial assets and flawed physique with a penchant for loving you madly? Less-than-perfect will more than suffice for the openhearted.